Hey A,
I'm still here. I'm still here remembering. Remembering and regretting and grieving. Feelings of despair and extreme sadness. I miss you. I really miss you.
You might find a post below with a still from the move "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty". It's the picture with Ben Stiller in it. With the caption "My head is an animal". If you remember, the day right after the most amazing and special day in my whole life (the day I met you in person for the first time) I went to watch this movie at the cinema in Dubai Mall alone. I talked to you on the phone for two hours after I watched it. I hope you remember that I told you I absolutely loved this movie, and I recommended you to watch it strongly. I told you that I wasn't as big a fan and as aware of movies in general as you are, but the fact that I really loved this particular movie shows how much it means to me. I remember begging you to watch it soon. I don't really know why I loved it so much. Maybe because I saw myself in it. I saw myself in the main character, Walter. Even though, ironically, I can relate now to his character more than I could when I actually saw the movie. Because now unfortunately you are not with me. Because now I don't talk to you everyday. I don't hear your beautiful voice anymore. I don't wake up to your messages and I don't go to sleep wishing you a great day. Because now I've lost you.
The character in the movie seemed very similar to me because he used to zone out of his boring, stressful life and just imagine and dream. He would dream of things he loved and things he wanted to be doing. I used to daydream of living in the same house as you. I used to daydream of just touching you. Talking to you. I still do. More than ever. The difference between then and now is, now it hurts so much more. Because then, I could daydream of seeing you, knowing that I would later. I would daydream of hearing your voice, knowing that I would later. Now, I daydream of these beautiful things without a single hope in the world of it happening. It really hurts, and I really don't wish this feeling on my worst enemies. I certainly hope you don't feel that way, but I doubt you do. I hope you don't feel the hurt that I feel. I hope you never, ever feel any of the hurt, sadness or negative feelings that I feel. I hope you feel amazing things, I hope you are always happy and I hope your life is filled with positivity.
My head is an animal. That phrase is from the theme song of the movie. It's called Dirty Paws by Of Monsters and Men. This also relates to me. My head is an animal. It takes me on exhilarating journeys of imagination. Usually with you. I hope you don't mind this, but you are the source of happiness and hope for me in this world. Even though you don't talk to me anymore, you still are. My head is an animal because it lies to me. When it takes me on these journeys, it lies to me by telling me that you are with me, but in reality you are not. My head is an animal because it houses my most incredible memories with you, but also ends them with the sobering realization that I cannot enjoy those memories anymore, and that you are not with me anymore. It hits me so hard. It happens so much and it's been awhile, but it still hits me so hard, A. I know your head is an animal too. For different reasons. But I know you will win the battle. I believe in you. I always have.
You may have noticed that this is my first post in awhile, and my first regular blog post. I'll also tell you that this blog has existed for a few months now, but no-one has ever visited it except me. No-one knows this blog exists except me, even though it's public. I haven't tried to promote it. And I won't. But it's kind of fitting isn't it? That even online, I'm lonely. It's fitting that my blog is lonely. That at the time of this writing, literally not one soul has visited it since it began. And yet I write this to you because maybe one day you'll see the blog and read this post. Maybe one day. I know that if you were still talking to me, you would be telling me that people will definitely read my blog. I loved the way you made me feel. You are the only one who ever understood me.
I will never forget the day you asked me randomly, "N,  do you feel lonely?" You may not remember it. I don't really remember what I said in response. I have never felt more alone in my life. Life sucks doesn't it? I wanted one thing, my whole life. I didn't want success, I didn't want money, I didn't want fame, I didn't even want health. I wanted you. All I ever wanted was you. And I can't have you. I never wronged anybody. I don't think I ever harmed anyone. I'm not that exciting. I lived a life where all I ever looked forward to was talking to you, and literally nothing else. And now, all I'm left with are memories. Now, I can't have you. Now, I truly am lonely.
Good night, A. I love you.