A,
Remember recently I told you I've had a terrible year. I told you several times that I had the worst year in my life. Starting from around last summer (2013). Sure, we had issues before then, but they were mainly caused by factors out of our control. But I say the worst year of my life started in June 2013, because even though I did have some other struggles previously, something happened that month that just epitomized the saying: "When it rains, it pours". I genuinely thought the pouring would stop this summer (2014), because hey, how long can something so fucking bad last? There were factors that I felt would maybe help. My three American college friends were actually going to come visit me in the Gulf for two weeks in June. The World Cup was happening. I graduated from college. Positive things were happening, and it seemed like the perfect summer for my nightmare to end. Hell, I even secretly thought to myself, "why can't this summer be like summer 2008?" There weren't any reasons or excuses why it couldn't be. But I guess it just shows how naive I was.
The thing that happened in June 2013 was that for the first ever time since we met, you left me on your own and of your own accord. No-one threatened you, no-one forced you, you didn't have any obligations to anyone. No-one else was involved. It was just you and I. And you left me because you weren't happy with me. I can understand that. I am nowhere near perfect. It just hit me harder than anything I've experienced because you took the decision yourself to stop talking to me, and I couldn't blame it on any other factors.
From that moment on, these things have happened:
-I experienced the most difficult and stressful academic year I've ever faced.
-I almost didn't graduate, and my scholarship was over.
-I ended up with a much lower cumulative GPA than I ever expected.
-I found out my mother had colon cancer.
-I found out my father had diabetes, and his high blood pressure got worse.
-I found out that I had an uncle I never knew about, who died when he was in his 20's.
-My cousin died in a car crash.
-My cat of 13 years died.
-I felt the most isolated I've ever felt in my life, and I couldn't spend time with any friends because of my academics.
-For the first time ever, I endured homesickness.
-My GERD disease came back.
-I have had constant chest and back -pains, and every doctor I've visited has not been able to tell me what's wrong with me.
Various other things happened that put me through hell. I haven't told you alot of this because whenever we did talk, I was busy trying to be there for you. You didn't have an easy year either.
But I never pushed you away.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
"Meeting A Friend"
A,
You're not the only one meeting a 'friend' today. I know I'm pretty lonely, in fact I've spent much of this summer spending time alone.
I welcomed back an old friend today too. But it's kind of different from the 'friend' you're meeting today. Today you're meeting someone new, someone you "hit it off" with. It's very much a positive description, and it's sure to be a positive experience.
The friend I welcomed back today is a very different friend. I welcome it back but I'm not particularly happy to see it. I didn't miss it, and I don't want it in my life. But hey, what to do. The meeting with my friend today is on the opposite end of the scale compared to your meeting. My meeting is one filled with a very familiar sorrow. In fact, the friend I welcomed back is sorrow. It's sadness. Isn't it funny that I go basically my whole life feeling lonely and when I finally meet a friend all it brings is anguish and agony?
I wish you could see,
You're the only girl I've ever dreamed of.
You're not the only one meeting a 'friend' today. I know I'm pretty lonely, in fact I've spent much of this summer spending time alone.
I welcomed back an old friend today too. But it's kind of different from the 'friend' you're meeting today. Today you're meeting someone new, someone you "hit it off" with. It's very much a positive description, and it's sure to be a positive experience.
The friend I welcomed back today is a very different friend. I welcome it back but I'm not particularly happy to see it. I didn't miss it, and I don't want it in my life. But hey, what to do. The meeting with my friend today is on the opposite end of the scale compared to your meeting. My meeting is one filled with a very familiar sorrow. In fact, the friend I welcomed back is sorrow. It's sadness. Isn't it funny that I go basically my whole life feeling lonely and when I finally meet a friend all it brings is anguish and agony?
I wish you could see,
You're the only girl I've ever dreamed of.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Hey A,
I'm still here. I'm still here remembering. Remembering and regretting and grieving. Feelings of despair and extreme sadness. I miss you. I really miss you.
You might find a post below with a still from the move "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty". It's the picture with Ben Stiller in it. With the caption "My head is an animal". If you remember, the day right after the most amazing and special day in my whole life (the day I met you in person for the first time) I went to watch this movie at the cinema in Dubai Mall alone. I talked to you on the phone for two hours after I watched it. I hope you remember that I told you I absolutely loved this movie, and I recommended you to watch it strongly. I told you that I wasn't as big a fan and as aware of movies in general as you are, but the fact that I really loved this particular movie shows how much it means to me. I remember begging you to watch it soon. I don't really know why I loved it so much. Maybe because I saw myself in it. I saw myself in the main character, Walter. Even though, ironically, I can relate now to his character more than I could when I actually saw the movie. Because now unfortunately you are not with me. Because now I don't talk to you everyday. I don't hear your beautiful voice anymore. I don't wake up to your messages and I don't go to sleep wishing you a great day. Because now I've lost you.
The character in the movie seemed very similar to me because he used to zone out of his boring, stressful life and just imagine and dream. He would dream of things he loved and things he wanted to be doing. I used to daydream of living in the same house as you. I used to daydream of just touching you. Talking to you. I still do. More than ever. The difference between then and now is, now it hurts so much more. Because then, I could daydream of seeing you, knowing that I would later. I would daydream of hearing your voice, knowing that I would later. Now, I daydream of these beautiful things without a single hope in the world of it happening. It really hurts, and I really don't wish this feeling on my worst enemies. I certainly hope you don't feel that way, but I doubt you do. I hope you don't feel the hurt that I feel. I hope you never, ever feel any of the hurt, sadness or negative feelings that I feel. I hope you feel amazing things, I hope you are always happy and I hope your life is filled with positivity.
My head is an animal. That phrase is from the theme song of the movie. It's called Dirty Paws by Of Monsters and Men. This also relates to me. My head is an animal. It takes me on exhilarating journeys of imagination. Usually with you. I hope you don't mind this, but you are the source of happiness and hope for me in this world. Even though you don't talk to me anymore, you still are. My head is an animal because it lies to me. When it takes me on these journeys, it lies to me by telling me that you are with me, but in reality you are not. My head is an animal because it houses my most incredible memories with you, but also ends them with the sobering realization that I cannot enjoy those memories anymore, and that you are not with me anymore. It hits me so hard. It happens so much and it's been awhile, but it still hits me so hard, A. I know your head is an animal too. For different reasons. But I know you will win the battle. I believe in you. I always have.
You may have noticed that this is my first post in awhile, and my first regular blog post. I'll also tell you that this blog has existed for a few months now, but no-one has ever visited it except me. No-one knows this blog exists except me, even though it's public. I haven't tried to promote it. And I won't. But it's kind of fitting isn't it? That even online, I'm lonely. It's fitting that my blog is lonely. That at the time of this writing, literally not one soul has visited it since it began. And yet I write this to you because maybe one day you'll see the blog and read this post. Maybe one day. I know that if you were still talking to me, you would be telling me that people will definitely read my blog. I loved the way you made me feel. You are the only one who ever understood me.
I will never forget the day you asked me randomly, "N, do you feel lonely?" You may not remember it. I don't really remember what I said in response. I have never felt more alone in my life. Life sucks doesn't it? I wanted one thing, my whole life. I didn't want success, I didn't want money, I didn't want fame, I didn't even want health. I wanted you. All I ever wanted was you. And I can't have you. I never wronged anybody. I don't think I ever harmed anyone. I'm not that exciting. I lived a life where all I ever looked forward to was talking to you, and literally nothing else. And now, all I'm left with are memories. Now, I can't have you. Now, I truly am lonely.
Good night, A. I love you.
I'm still here. I'm still here remembering. Remembering and regretting and grieving. Feelings of despair and extreme sadness. I miss you. I really miss you.
You might find a post below with a still from the move "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty". It's the picture with Ben Stiller in it. With the caption "My head is an animal". If you remember, the day right after the most amazing and special day in my whole life (the day I met you in person for the first time) I went to watch this movie at the cinema in Dubai Mall alone. I talked to you on the phone for two hours after I watched it. I hope you remember that I told you I absolutely loved this movie, and I recommended you to watch it strongly. I told you that I wasn't as big a fan and as aware of movies in general as you are, but the fact that I really loved this particular movie shows how much it means to me. I remember begging you to watch it soon. I don't really know why I loved it so much. Maybe because I saw myself in it. I saw myself in the main character, Walter. Even though, ironically, I can relate now to his character more than I could when I actually saw the movie. Because now unfortunately you are not with me. Because now I don't talk to you everyday. I don't hear your beautiful voice anymore. I don't wake up to your messages and I don't go to sleep wishing you a great day. Because now I've lost you.
The character in the movie seemed very similar to me because he used to zone out of his boring, stressful life and just imagine and dream. He would dream of things he loved and things he wanted to be doing. I used to daydream of living in the same house as you. I used to daydream of just touching you. Talking to you. I still do. More than ever. The difference between then and now is, now it hurts so much more. Because then, I could daydream of seeing you, knowing that I would later. I would daydream of hearing your voice, knowing that I would later. Now, I daydream of these beautiful things without a single hope in the world of it happening. It really hurts, and I really don't wish this feeling on my worst enemies. I certainly hope you don't feel that way, but I doubt you do. I hope you don't feel the hurt that I feel. I hope you never, ever feel any of the hurt, sadness or negative feelings that I feel. I hope you feel amazing things, I hope you are always happy and I hope your life is filled with positivity.
My head is an animal. That phrase is from the theme song of the movie. It's called Dirty Paws by Of Monsters and Men. This also relates to me. My head is an animal. It takes me on exhilarating journeys of imagination. Usually with you. I hope you don't mind this, but you are the source of happiness and hope for me in this world. Even though you don't talk to me anymore, you still are. My head is an animal because it lies to me. When it takes me on these journeys, it lies to me by telling me that you are with me, but in reality you are not. My head is an animal because it houses my most incredible memories with you, but also ends them with the sobering realization that I cannot enjoy those memories anymore, and that you are not with me anymore. It hits me so hard. It happens so much and it's been awhile, but it still hits me so hard, A. I know your head is an animal too. For different reasons. But I know you will win the battle. I believe in you. I always have.
You may have noticed that this is my first post in awhile, and my first regular blog post. I'll also tell you that this blog has existed for a few months now, but no-one has ever visited it except me. No-one knows this blog exists except me, even though it's public. I haven't tried to promote it. And I won't. But it's kind of fitting isn't it? That even online, I'm lonely. It's fitting that my blog is lonely. That at the time of this writing, literally not one soul has visited it since it began. And yet I write this to you because maybe one day you'll see the blog and read this post. Maybe one day. I know that if you were still talking to me, you would be telling me that people will definitely read my blog. I loved the way you made me feel. You are the only one who ever understood me.
I will never forget the day you asked me randomly, "N, do you feel lonely?" You may not remember it. I don't really remember what I said in response. I have never felt more alone in my life. Life sucks doesn't it? I wanted one thing, my whole life. I didn't want success, I didn't want money, I didn't want fame, I didn't even want health. I wanted you. All I ever wanted was you. And I can't have you. I never wronged anybody. I don't think I ever harmed anyone. I'm not that exciting. I lived a life where all I ever looked forward to was talking to you, and literally nothing else. And now, all I'm left with are memories. Now, I can't have you. Now, I truly am lonely.
Good night, A. I love you.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
A Distant Dream
Maybe one day this dream will come true,
Maybe one day I'll live with you,
Maybe one day we'll mend our hearts,
Patch up all the broken parts,
I forgive you for everything, it's never too messy,
This weight on my heart is already too heavy,
Maybe one day you'll return to me,
We'll turn into all we've ever wanted to be,
A pair possessing an unbreakable bond,
Created by your powerful wand,
But that day might not come, it may truly be over,
All I'm left with are memories to savor,
An agonizing pain that's all too familiar,
It's all see when I look in the mirror,
Yet every day, this is all I say:
Maybe one day, maybe one day.
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