Why I Don't Have Expectations

A,
Remember recently I told you I've had a terrible year. I told you several times that I had the worst year in my life. Starting from around last summer (2013). Sure, we had issues before then, but they were mainly caused by factors out of our control. But I say the worst year of my life started in June 2013, because even though I did have some other struggles previously, something happened that month that just epitomized the saying: "When it rains, it pours". I genuinely thought the pouring would stop this summer (2014), because hey, how long can something so fucking bad last? There were factors that I felt would maybe help. My three American college friends were actually going to come visit me in the Gulf for two weeks in June. The World Cup was happening. I graduated from college. Positive things were happening, and it seemed like the perfect summer for my nightmare to end. Hell, I even secretly thought to myself, "why can't this summer be like summer 2008?" There weren't any reasons or excuses why it couldn't be. But I guess it just shows how naive I was.
The thing that happened in June 2013 was that for the first ever time since we met, you left me on your own and of your own accord. No-one threatened you, no-one forced you, you didn't have any obligations to anyone. No-one else was involved. It was just you and I. And you left me because you weren't happy with me. I can understand that. I am nowhere near perfect. It just hit me harder than anything I've experienced because you took the decision yourself to stop talking to me, and I couldn't blame it on any other factors.
From that moment on, these things have happened:
-I experienced the most difficult and stressful academic year I've ever faced.
-I almost didn't graduate, and my scholarship was over.
-I ended up with a much lower cumulative GPA than I ever expected.
-I found out my mother had colon cancer.
-I found out my father had diabetes, and his high blood pressure got worse.
-I found out that I had an uncle I never knew about, who died when he was in his 20's.
-My cousin died in a car crash.
-My cat of 13 years died.
-I felt the most isolated I've ever felt in my life, and I couldn't spend time with any friends because of my academics.
-For the first time ever, I endured homesickness.
-My GERD disease came back.
-I have had constant chest and back -pains, and every doctor I've visited has not been able to tell me what's wrong with me.

Various other things happened that put me through hell. I haven't told you alot of this because whenever we did talk, I was busy trying to be there for you. You didn't have an easy year either.



But I never pushed you away.

"Meeting A Friend"

A,
You're not the only one meeting a 'friend' today. I know I'm pretty lonely, in fact I've spent much of this summer spending time alone.
I welcomed back an old friend today too. But it's kind of different from the 'friend' you're meeting today. Today you're meeting someone new, someone you "hit it off" with. It's very much a positive description, and it's sure to be a positive experience.
The friend I welcomed back today is a very different friend. I welcome it back but I'm not particularly happy to see it. I didn't miss it, and I don't want it in my life. But hey, what to do. The meeting with my friend today is on the opposite end of the scale compared to your meeting. My meeting is one filled with a very familiar sorrow. In fact, the friend I welcomed back is sorrow. It's sadness. Isn't it funny that I go basically my whole life feeling lonely and when I finally meet a friend all it brings is anguish and agony?

I wish you could see,
You're the only girl I've ever dreamed of.